So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
