omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
