I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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