K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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