Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
