You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It's shark week go big or go home
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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