**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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