batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
