I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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