sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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