When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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