He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
