There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
