Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
