so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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