you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
