nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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