My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
