I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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