I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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