What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
