you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
