All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
