I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
