This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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