I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So apparently I’m into choking now
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