I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
