She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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