cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
