Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
