you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
