Swine flu. Run for my life!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
