I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
