I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
