Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
