My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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