How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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