Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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