you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
