i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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