Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
