So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
