I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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