Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
