I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The uberlube is also flammable
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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