True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
then he tried to convert me to islam
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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