Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
