Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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