Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
