Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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